On Love

I will never write about Love.

For when I did

I believed I could capture

Something so uncapturable.

I thought I understood

Something so unexplainable.

When words stay fixed

And are subject to interpretation

While Love is mutable, because alive

Yet fixed

But in the opposite way to words.

I will never write about Love.

For today I don’t know what it is

It is not what I thought it was

What I heard wispered in my ear

Unnumbered times

I wish I never pronounced Its name.

I will never write about Love.

For all definitions

All the teachings

Don’t match with today

And make me question my yesterdays.

I will never write about Love.

For it’s the only thing

We shall not write about

But live

And tell no one

So everyone can be caught by surprise

By a whirlwind

By a smell

By a word

By a coffee

By a kiss.

And know.

Still unable to name it.

Dear Soulmate, goodbye

We all look for our soulmate. We dream of that encounter since we are very young and we wait for it to show up and Love us like nobody else can nor ever will.

Yet, we hardly ever take into account the fact that today we are different people. Sometimes only the essence of who we were stays, sometimes only a blant thought.
I had to say goodbye to you, and not because I don’t Love you; not because I don’t care; not because feelings left my soul… but because I am not the same woman I was 600 years ago, or 2000 years ago or 3000 years ago! Deep inside I recognise you and my body trembles every time I’m near you, like trapped in the past beyond my mind. But who are you today? … You look in your mirror with the eyes of who you once were, and you try to do the same with me. But I’m not that princess anymore, I’m not that priestess… I don’t have a king I need to obey to, I don’t have a role I am forced to play, I am my own queen today.
Today I am free. I get to choose and I choose not to be with you in this lifetime.

It was interesting to get to know you and spend some time with you but I entered a period in my life when I don’t want to give my time and energy anymore to people I don’t think highly of. You are, today, a boy I don’t appreciate because you are not honest nor sincere. It’s strange to find myself in this situation because for so so long I have fallen for those like you. You are right when you tell me that you know what women like to hear, it’s true we are hungry for attention, love, and affection. Those like you have learned to quote Shakespeare, to internalise manuals, to study our body language in order to plan a strategy for your next conquest. You make your move when you are 100% sure of the result, and that’s why with you I had to have a strategy since you would’ve never approached me. I had to give you the illusion though of being the one doing the job. You see I had to get to know you after realising it was you I’ve been waiting for. And I got to know you only to realise that cavalry is nonexistent in this time and space and that the heart of the knights (and the knight I have loved) remained in that far away time period. Who are you today? Do you know?
You’re surprised when I tell you that I don’t believe a word you say, when I laugh at the sweet words you whisper in my ear… but oh how could I believe in something you repeat over and over to all women? … You say you love more women at the same time? Oh dear you, I wish with all my heart for you to try Love at least once in your lifetime. To Love means to risk everything, to jump without parachute, to do things you had never imagined… To Love is to go beyond your Self. To Love means to listen beyond words. It means that if the one we Love hurts us, we can’t get revenge to hurt him… so we go beyond. To Love is presence.
You say you love them all, yet as soon as one of them comes to you crying visibly in love with you… you push her away, you put her back at her place. You hide, like many, behind words and because the young women of today are not instructed to listen… they believe you. They trust you more than their doubts and their stomachaches!

I can’t be your friend because I have no respect for a boy like you. And I’m sorry because what I see is a lot of sufferance, anger and resentment. Unfortunately you will never truly love nor understand women until you forgive, understand and love your mom. You are angry with her and not with the man who abandoned you. You forgive him and not the woman who went through hell and did her best to raise you… and, imperfect as she is, has never abandoned you. I bet you don’t even know who your mother is, busy as you are throwing back at her face her faults. You are so far from understanding women and so so far away from our hearts. You still see us as those who must stay at home to cook and be the mom solely, while you are the one who can go out and be the man. But do you know what implies being a man? … I as a woman am a saint and a whore, mother and daughter and sister, lover and friend, warrior and priestess. WOMAN. Everything. This is being a woman. And your mother is all that too. Does that scare you? Does that put in danger your masculinity? Does it make you question the very idea of being a man? It’s not the penis between your legs to make you such, nor your aggressiveness. I know I am being a little hard on you but you look for spiritual enlightenment and spiritual growth, you want to teach others…. what exactly? How to manipulate girls? You should learn to listen first of all. In bed you should listen to her with all your senses, at last with your dick. But being a Don Giovanni won’t make you discover neither one of them.

I know you have a good heart… but even though I feel affection for you, in this phase of your life I can’t have you in mine. When I told you I am not someone easy to have in your life it’s because to walk a life by my side means to question everything you have believed into until now and I don’t see you are willing to do that. Nor I am willing to live with my eyes and eyers shut, I want to face the truth… my truth, my demons, my fears, my ugliest parts, and my most beautiful parts. You call us soulmates with such légèreté. You speak of responsibility yet you don’t take it neither for your own feelings.
This is a goodbye letter, I have waited for you for so long not knowing your name but it’s not you today. For centuries we have loved each other, searched and found each other. Today I am different from the woman that was once loved by the knight. Today I am free and our encounter was productive: we are on separate roads.
I truly wish you the best, I wish you Love and the courage to go on a quest to find who you are today integrating the one you were yesterday. I wish you to look within yourself in pure honesty and utter truth and to not tame your vulnerability for that is where true strength resides.

Sincerely, with Love – T.

 

 

‘Till Death Do Us Apart….

It’s Beltane – the period that goes from the 1st of May until the 5th of May this year.

Beltane honours Life. It represents the peak of Spring and the beginning of Summer. Earth energies are at their strongest and most active. All of life is bursting with potent fertility and at this point in the Wheel of the Year, the potential becomes conception. On May Eve the sexuality of life and the earth is at its peak. Abundant fertility, on all levels, is the central theme. The Maiden goddess has reached her fullness. She is the manifestation of growth and renewal, Flora, the Goddess of Spring, the May Queen, the May Bride. The Young Oak King, as Jack-In-The-Green, as the Green Man, falls in love with her and wins her hand. The union is consummated and the May Queen becomes pregnant. Together the May Queen and the May King are symbols of the Sacred Marriage (or Heiros Gamos), the union of Earth and Sky, and this union has merrily been re-enacted by humans throughout the centuries. For this is the night of the Greenwood Marriage. It is about sexuality and sensuality, passion, vitality and joy. And about conception. A brilliant moment in the Wheel of the Year to bring ideas, hopes and dreams into action. And have some fun….. 

It’s been quite a nostalgic time, full of melancholy I must admit. I couldn’t but think of not having my Young Oak King nor knowing where in the world is he. 
I spent, like I usually do when I feel this way, a lot of time in nature walking. Looking for answers in myself – I would in the stars but I haven’t learned to read them yet.

Three weeks ago I took myself on a vacation to a place I didn’t tell anyone, nor I told I was on a vacation… I said I was away for work and couldn’t answer phone nor emails because I was working. In reality I spent time drinking beer on the beach 🙂 breathing fresh air and enjoying something I was sharing solely with myself. As I was walking toward my “home” – which by the way was by chance (chance doesn’t exist) exactly my kind of place full of art and African statues and paintings!! – I entered a shop… I bought some presents for my girlfriends and as I was about to pay a ring caught my attention. A simple ring with a turquoise stone I have been looking for for such a long time! I bought it immediately. When I got home, I was alone, I opened a beer and made my way to sit on the balcony to watch the sunset. In that moment of pure peace and joy I thought…

I should marry myself!

And so I did… with all the elements as my testimony, with Mother Nature as my bridesmaid. 

It was a simple yet powerful ceremony. 
I reflected upon later that night and it made sense. Shouldn’t I marry myself first before marrying someone else? … Isn’t it obvious I should make a vow to myself? Before giving my life, my love, my soul, my caring, my attention, even my money, my time, my promises, my body to a husband… I need to take full responsibility of myself for myself. I need to make a promise that I will be there for me until my last breath. I will listen to myself, to my inner voice, to my dreams, and I will do everything to take care of my wellbeing, my finances, my work. My happiness is my responsibility.
I took a vow to provide for myself always.

It all felt so natural and the irony of this is that I would’ve never imagined I would do it. I never even thought of it!! I mean, who does this? … I. Does that mean I will never marry a man or be in a couple? No, it means though that I am free to choose a man on whom I don’t depend. I am free to choose. Choose to be with someone if I there is a Love bond. Choose to have a family if that makes me happy. Choose to have a job I want or need on my terms. Choose to have a one night stand because I want it. Choose to leave a place, a person, a situation if it makes me sick. Choose to take FULL responsibility for my dreams. Choose. Choose. CHOOSE.
It’s scary because we are not taught this freedom. Women still today need to choose between themselves and their man. Women sacrifice their passions and talents to be with a man and help him get where he wants. I choose to be free. But this freedom I so fought for didn’t come easy and still it’s not something I can take for granted, I must stay vigilant every moment every day and forever. Things and people and situations I have been dependent on are still there somewhere waiting for my moment of weakness … I have done this mistake a million times: I thought I am safe forever. I thought I had found the one man I could just stop worrying about myself. He could take care of me. And little by little I gave him the reigns of my life, my happiness, myself, my satisfaction. I don’t know why we women tend to do this, to constantly look for someone to take care of us: whether it is financially or emotionally. Perhaps we all do dream of that romantic love and union, the kind where “I will do everything for you and you will do everything for me”. Love is like that safe space. But love is love and a relationship is a relationship. Sometimes the two don’t coincide. Many times we like to believe the man will be there for us no matter what only because we would do that for them. When I seriously decided to marry myself I did it also to be able to live and experiment a Love that is free from expectations: I don’t expect you to fulfil my dreams; I don’t expect you to make me happy; I don’t expect you to financially pay for my life; I don’t expect you to be responsible for my success or my failure. It’s radical! And finally the woman takes back her power and inner strength.

I didn’t even know of Beltane’s time of the year during which the Goddess and the God come together for the Sacred union. My friend Michela Chiarelli told me and she advised all her girlfriends and students to marry themselves. It’s interesting I had done that already and it’s almost my first monthlyversary 😀 Why was I nostalgic? Because it is a time of the year during which I look back at the whole year from April 2018 and reflect upon everything that happened, all that worked out and all that didn’t, the people lost along the way, the friends gained to stay, the new projects, where did I come from and where am I today…. most importantly where do I want to go? I am both lost and found, I am not in a relationship but am in a relationship with myself and for the first time in my life am trying to make it work. Because if you think about it we all try to have relationships with others and never sit down to meet the self. Who are you really? What do you want? And all that is sooooo important!! Telling young girls that their dreams, their will, their emotions, their heart is as important as that of any other person in their life… And that their freedom lays in their courage to take full responsibility and ownership for themselves. 

Dear don’t be afraid to remain single forever, for if you marry yourself you will never be alone … but all one. 

 

Wild Thing… Ohh

How do you love a wild thing?

Ragu is a wild cat, although he “belongs” to my neighbour. Since I’m staying in my house in South Italy he comes every day, the first days he just demanded food with a loud loud voice and wouldn’t let anyone touch him. So my mom, her friend Larisa and I gave him food. We even bought sausages at the supermarket to have something ready to give him whenever he would come. He’d come for breakfast, lunch and dinner having understood that we do feed him. I was not ok with him coming at every hour of the day (actually when we were home, he knew and would come by) so I told him “no Ragu, I’ll feed you this evening… come back then”. He would leave and come later while we were having dinner.

How do you love a wild thing?

That’s what I thought one evening watching him eat, trying to cuddle him but again he wouldn’t let me. He just wasn’t that type of animal. I began seeing his life as a kitten before my eyes and I understood: he doesn’t need me. So how do I love you? How do I love you if I can’t cuddle you nor touch you? … These questions looped in my head, until my heart answered:

You love by letting him be this wild thing you don’t understand, because you don’t need to understand. You love by leaving him the freedom, without trying to possess him… without trying to change him into something you need! It’s your need to cuddle him, not his. You love by trying to understand his needs and be honest with you in questioning yourself if you can accomodate his needs. If not just let be. Just love. Just be.

I let him be. I didn’t impose him my cuddles, and he just comes during the day and sleeps. He doesn’t ask for anything. He knows he is welcome. He knows there is plenty of love energy for him. He can leave whenever, come whenever. He is not owned. I owe him nothing. Ultimate beautiful freedom. Unconditional Love.
I couldn’t but wonder about love between humans. And I wondered how many times have I loved the wrong way? Too much possession from my side, I just wanted that man all to myself. But if he was so wonderful, wouldn’t I want to share him with the world so that everyone and everything can be touched by his uniqueness, loveliness, beauty and positivity?… I also ended up always in a cage, built firstly by myself. Ideally, romantic love and jealousy are so tempting because that’s all you watch in movies, read in books and listen in pop songs. But it’s consuming, and ends up being frustrating this kind of relationship we wrongly call love. Now I know.
Ultimately I am a bit like Ragu. We all are like Ragu.