Lately I have been absent from the web, and from everything. Struggling with my own personal life, thought to be healed and instead kept falling down over and over again… wondering how after one year of working hard on myself I still find myself crying for someone I can only describe as a narcissistic asshole.
Talking to my girlfriends this year I realised I have not been the only one falling into the illusory fairytale trap of a man who is an avid manipulator, a violent, and someone who is all but a good person. In psychology there is a Mental Disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and while many may have a few traits here and there… some are pathological narcissists. Of course I stumbled upon him.
I actually don’t know where I found the strength to do all that I have achieved this year after the official (official? Can it be official when he periodically found ways to get back into my life for his vital supply?) break up: I wrote a book! I began filming my first documentary! I also started a holistic training and begun learning about the healing powers of nature! Meanwhile I also worked! I bought myself the car of my dreams! I discovered true friendship! …. All this while inside there was still an ongoing battle. At my every high, I would get an email from him and I fell down again: how dare you feel well and happy and achieved? This trap of not deserving anything, especially that what I so hardly work for…
Last week, as I was reading about the NPD disorder and researching about the traits of the victims to understand myself better and deeper, I photo of the film Beauty & The Beast popped up. I had a flash! There is something wrong with this beautiful and romantic fairytale. The more one studies about psychology, the more one gets deeper glimpses at the true messages hidden behind the romance, cartoons, fairytales….
What happens to girls when we teach them that their love and patience and care-taking will change the best into a beautiful human?
How many of us still live that myth? How many of us still silently hope and pray “he” will eventually change? How many of us hide the scars of a life spent curing someone else’s wounds? How many of us believe that a woman must be just loving, understanding, patient? …. Belle teaches us that. She is perfect beyond just the appearance. She is presented to us as someone strong, whose love goes beyond the physical appearance of the other. She can see his wounded self and she can love the beast. Eventually she wins. And THAT ladies and gentlemen is a fairytale. In reality we, the Belle in real life, lose our sense of self, our light, our beauty, our friends, our independence. Having to do with someone who manipulates our reality and our thoughts, who is psychologically violent and yet we love him is just a complete waste of energy. Unless. Unless we use that relationship to understand more about ourself.
Perhaps it is time to ask the right questions and the time to answer them. Sometimes this means to go back to the past, somewhere in your childhood. I recommend getting the help of someone, sometimes a friend is not enough.
What makes me think of the link between NPD and the beast? …. Simply because as a coincidence he acts just like a pathological narcissist: everything revolves around him, his rage and mood swings make everyone afraid of him, he doesn’t accept being contradicted, he isolates Belle from everything and everyone (oh but still gives her the best room, the best dresses… and makes her feel that “it’s not so bad after all). She eventually falls in love with him (ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome? … it’s a mechanism of survival, you fall in love with your tyrant) because if there is no way out, well the best you can do is find a way to survive inside. You mask your fear and your hatred with love.
In reality. Trust me. And I never thought I would say this: your beast will never change. No matter how many promises he makes to you. He will from time to time abandon you, then come after you. Meanwhile he already has a net of other women (Belles) who supply that energy and “love” he feeds of. He plays the victim and the hurt one just to tender your heart, this way he awakes your compassions… and makes you doubt everything you believed about him so that you fall into it yet another time. An infinite spiral.
An infinite spiral of hurt.
Now imagine for a moment what you could do with that energy you throw away his direction? 🙂
Today is in fashion to talk about self love. Everybody seems to be an expert of self love and offers courses, remedies, online therapy, self love coaching… grab the best offer. Yet there is really no manual for it. To say: do what makes you feel good; do what you love; eat the food you love; exercise if you like; post a photo of your naked imperfect body as a statement of self love… means really nothing. Why? Because very few of us even know what is it that we deeply deeply want. What we deeply deeply love. What truly truly makes us smile. Nobody ever taught us where to find that nor how. We don’t have the instruments. And when you lived many years of your life surrounded by people (whether in your family or in false friendships or at work) who constantly mine that little self esteem and self assurance…. it becomes hard to know who you want to be for your self.
However, with that energy I regained I imagine putting it into my projects and my art. That polarised attention I put it onto my girlfriends. The trying to constantly understand the other, I finally want to understand what is it that I so desperately missed as a child, how was this little girl treated, and become that who she needs. At times someone strict at times not. To be your own parent means to finally take full responsibility of your life. It means you will stop relying on other people such as your parents (if you still have them), your partner and whoever else thinks they know you better than you know yourself. Others can only have an idea of you, see only a small part of who you are and feel entitled to give an opinion about the way you live.
Use wisely and cherish your energy and attention. Care for you. Nobody else will but you.