We all look for our soulmate. We dream of that encounter since we are very young and we wait for it to show up and Love us like nobody else can nor ever will.
Yet, we hardly ever take into account the fact that today we are different people. Sometimes only the essence of who we were stays, sometimes only a blant thought.
I had to say goodbye to you, and not because I don’t Love you; not because I don’t care; not because feelings left my soul… but because I am not the same woman I was 600 years ago, or 2000 years ago or 3000 years ago! Deep inside I recognise you and my body trembles every time I’m near you, like trapped in the past beyond my mind. But who are you today? … You look in your mirror with the eyes of who you once were, and you try to do the same with me. But I’m not that princess anymore, I’m not that priestess… I don’t have a king I need to obey to, I don’t have a role I am forced to play, I am my own queen today.
Today I am free. I get to choose and I choose not to be with you in this lifetime.
It was interesting to get to know you and spend some time with you but I entered a period in my life when I don’t want to give my time and energy anymore to people I don’t think highly of. You are, today, a boy I don’t appreciate because you are not honest nor sincere. It’s strange to find myself in this situation because for so so long I have fallen for those like you. You are right when you tell me that you know what women like to hear, it’s true we are hungry for attention, love, and affection. Those like you have learned to quote Shakespeare, to internalise manuals, to study our body language in order to plan a strategy for your next conquest. You make your move when you are 100% sure of the result, and that’s why with you I had to have a strategy since you would’ve never approached me. I had to give you the illusion though of being the one doing the job. You see I had to get to know you after realising it was you I’ve been waiting for. And I got to know you only to realise that cavalry is nonexistent in this time and space and that the heart of the knights (and the knight I have loved) remained in that far away time period. Who are you today? Do you know?
You’re surprised when I tell you that I don’t believe a word you say, when I laugh at the sweet words you whisper in my ear… but oh how could I believe in something you repeat over and over to all women? … You say you love more women at the same time? Oh dear you, I wish with all my heart for you to try Love at least once in your lifetime. To Love means to risk everything, to jump without parachute, to do things you had never imagined… To Love is to go beyond your Self. To Love means to listen beyond words. It means that if the one we Love hurts us, we can’t get revenge to hurt him… so we go beyond. To Love is presence.
You say you love them all, yet as soon as one of them comes to you crying visibly in love with you… you push her away, you put her back at her place. You hide, like many, behind words and because the young women of today are not instructed to listen… they believe you. They trust you more than their doubts and their stomachaches!
I can’t be your friend because I have no respect for a boy like you. And I’m sorry because what I see is a lot of sufferance, anger and resentment. Unfortunately you will never truly love nor understand women until you forgive, understand and love your mom. You are angry with her and not with the man who abandoned you. You forgive him and not the woman who went through hell and did her best to raise you… and, imperfect as she is, has never abandoned you. I bet you don’t even know who your mother is, busy as you are throwing back at her face her faults. You are so far from understanding women and so so far away from our hearts. You still see us as those who must stay at home to cook and be the mom solely, while you are the one who can go out and be the man. But do you know what implies being a man? … I as a woman am a saint and a whore, mother and daughter and sister, lover and friend, warrior and priestess. WOMAN. Everything. This is being a woman. And your mother is all that too. Does that scare you? Does that put in danger your masculinity? Does it make you question the very idea of being a man? It’s not the penis between your legs to make you such, nor your aggressiveness. I know I am being a little hard on you but you look for spiritual enlightenment and spiritual growth, you want to teach others…. what exactly? How to manipulate girls? You should learn to listen first of all. In bed you should listen to her with all your senses, at last with your dick. But being a Don Giovanni won’t make you discover neither one of them.
I know you have a good heart… but even though I feel affection for you, in this phase of your life I can’t have you in mine. When I told you I am not someone easy to have in your life it’s because to walk a life by my side means to question everything you have believed into until now and I don’t see you are willing to do that. Nor I am willing to live with my eyes and eyers shut, I want to face the truth… my truth, my demons, my fears, my ugliest parts, and my most beautiful parts. You call us soulmates with such légèreté. You speak of responsibility yet you don’t take it neither for your own feelings.
This is a goodbye letter, I have waited for you for so long not knowing your name but it’s not you today. For centuries we have loved each other, searched and found each other. Today I am different from the woman that was once loved by the knight. Today I am free and our encounter was productive: we are on separate roads.
I truly wish you the best, I wish you Love and the courage to go on a quest to find who you are today integrating the one you were yesterday. I wish you to look within yourself in pure honesty and utter truth and to not tame your vulnerability for that is where true strength resides.
Sincerely, with Love – T.