‘Till Death Do Us Apart….

It’s Beltane – the period that goes from the 1st of May until the 5th of May this year.

Beltane honours Life. It represents the peak of Spring and the beginning of Summer. Earth energies are at their strongest and most active. All of life is bursting with potent fertility and at this point in the Wheel of the Year, the potential becomes conception. On May Eve the sexuality of life and the earth is at its peak. Abundant fertility, on all levels, is the central theme. The Maiden goddess has reached her fullness. She is the manifestation of growth and renewal, Flora, the Goddess of Spring, the May Queen, the May Bride. The Young Oak King, as Jack-In-The-Green, as the Green Man, falls in love with her and wins her hand. The union is consummated and the May Queen becomes pregnant. Together the May Queen and the May King are symbols of the Sacred Marriage (or Heiros Gamos), the union of Earth and Sky, and this union has merrily been re-enacted by humans throughout the centuries. For this is the night of the Greenwood Marriage. It is about sexuality and sensuality, passion, vitality and joy. And about conception. A brilliant moment in the Wheel of the Year to bring ideas, hopes and dreams into action. And have some fun….. 

It’s been quite a nostalgic time, full of melancholy I must admit. I couldn’t but think of not having my Young Oak King nor knowing where in the world is he. 
I spent, like I usually do when I feel this way, a lot of time in nature walking. Looking for answers in myself – I would in the stars but I haven’t learned to read them yet.

Three weeks ago I took myself on a vacation to a place I didn’t tell anyone, nor I told I was on a vacation… I said I was away for work and couldn’t answer phone nor emails because I was working. In reality I spent time drinking beer on the beach 🙂 breathing fresh air and enjoying something I was sharing solely with myself. As I was walking toward my “home” – which by the way was by chance (chance doesn’t exist) exactly my kind of place full of art and African statues and paintings!! – I entered a shop… I bought some presents for my girlfriends and as I was about to pay a ring caught my attention. A simple ring with a turquoise stone I have been looking for for such a long time! I bought it immediately. When I got home, I was alone, I opened a beer and made my way to sit on the balcony to watch the sunset. In that moment of pure peace and joy I thought…

I should marry myself!

And so I did… with all the elements as my testimony, with Mother Nature as my bridesmaid. 

It was a simple yet powerful ceremony. 
I reflected upon later that night and it made sense. Shouldn’t I marry myself first before marrying someone else? … Isn’t it obvious I should make a vow to myself? Before giving my life, my love, my soul, my caring, my attention, even my money, my time, my promises, my body to a husband… I need to take full responsibility of myself for myself. I need to make a promise that I will be there for me until my last breath. I will listen to myself, to my inner voice, to my dreams, and I will do everything to take care of my wellbeing, my finances, my work. My happiness is my responsibility.
I took a vow to provide for myself always.

It all felt so natural and the irony of this is that I would’ve never imagined I would do it. I never even thought of it!! I mean, who does this? … I. Does that mean I will never marry a man or be in a couple? No, it means though that I am free to choose a man on whom I don’t depend. I am free to choose. Choose to be with someone if I there is a Love bond. Choose to have a family if that makes me happy. Choose to have a job I want or need on my terms. Choose to have a one night stand because I want it. Choose to leave a place, a person, a situation if it makes me sick. Choose to take FULL responsibility for my dreams. Choose. Choose. CHOOSE.
It’s scary because we are not taught this freedom. Women still today need to choose between themselves and their man. Women sacrifice their passions and talents to be with a man and help him get where he wants. I choose to be free. But this freedom I so fought for didn’t come easy and still it’s not something I can take for granted, I must stay vigilant every moment every day and forever. Things and people and situations I have been dependent on are still there somewhere waiting for my moment of weakness … I have done this mistake a million times: I thought I am safe forever. I thought I had found the one man I could just stop worrying about myself. He could take care of me. And little by little I gave him the reigns of my life, my happiness, myself, my satisfaction. I don’t know why we women tend to do this, to constantly look for someone to take care of us: whether it is financially or emotionally. Perhaps we all do dream of that romantic love and union, the kind where “I will do everything for you and you will do everything for me”. Love is like that safe space. But love is love and a relationship is a relationship. Sometimes the two don’t coincide. Many times we like to believe the man will be there for us no matter what only because we would do that for them. When I seriously decided to marry myself I did it also to be able to live and experiment a Love that is free from expectations: I don’t expect you to fulfil my dreams; I don’t expect you to make me happy; I don’t expect you to financially pay for my life; I don’t expect you to be responsible for my success or my failure. It’s radical! And finally the woman takes back her power and inner strength.

I didn’t even know of Beltane’s time of the year during which the Goddess and the God come together for the Sacred union. My friend Michela Chiarelli told me and she advised all her girlfriends and students to marry themselves. It’s interesting I had done that already and it’s almost my first monthlyversary 😀 Why was I nostalgic? Because it is a time of the year during which I look back at the whole year from April 2018 and reflect upon everything that happened, all that worked out and all that didn’t, the people lost along the way, the friends gained to stay, the new projects, where did I come from and where am I today…. most importantly where do I want to go? I am both lost and found, I am not in a relationship but am in a relationship with myself and for the first time in my life am trying to make it work. Because if you think about it we all try to have relationships with others and never sit down to meet the self. Who are you really? What do you want? And all that is sooooo important!! Telling young girls that their dreams, their will, their emotions, their heart is as important as that of any other person in their life… And that their freedom lays in their courage to take full responsibility and ownership for themselves. 

Dear don’t be afraid to remain single forever, for if you marry yourself you will never be alone … but all one. 

 

5 comments

  1. Hmmm… I think we are always trying to catch up with ourselves, to be who we think we are. But maybe that will never happen. It works the other way too: we think something of others and are surprised when they don’t turn out to be who we thought they were. Do we ever really know who we are? And can we separate that from how we think others think of us? When we tell ourselves that we will take care of ourselves, who is talking to whom (or what)?

    Like

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